Let’s Do This a Little Differently
It’s crazy to actually type in my domain name and look back through my posts this year. I haven’t visited my own site in awhile. There are 14 posts from this year in total. That used to be less than a month of content!
At the beginning of the year, I wrote about intending to surrender to the divine and to the flow of life. That post was written from what I can now clearly see is my intuition or inner being. It had more wisdom than I did and it took me a good ten months to really integrate and start fully living that intention.
For most of the year, I accepted surrender as a mental concept, but energetically I was still coming from the subconscious belief that I needed to work hard and push through and hustle and achieve. There was a deep part of me that still felt like I should be showing up and not really knowing how to let go so I could fully embrace being a mom. Part of me feared that not showing up meant I was letting go of my work forever, which sounds ridiculous as I type that. It was kind of like I had one foot in the door of surrender and one foot still in the door of white knuckling my work – I was straddling the space between the two. The disconnect between the deep internal desire to surrender to flow and not actually living that way led to a lot of frustration.
Looking back, I can see my intuition was begging me to fully accept stepping back from the career stuff and to fully accept being a mother for the current season the whole time. It was showing up and playing out right before my eyes and I didn’t see it. I wasn’t really working or posting but I wasn’t really not working either. Mentally, I wasn’t fully in either place. Trying to straddle that gap between the two led to more anger, frustrations, and resentment than I’d like to admit. Experiencing those emotions, though, was what showed me that the old way of doing things wasn’t working for me anymore. Now I look back and think Why didn’t I let go way sooner? I wasn’t getting anything done anyway! I would have saved myself so much frustration and unnecessary stress. But maybe I also wouldn’t have learned this as deeply as I needed to. Now I know those negative emotions were my intuition trying to communicate with me that something was misaligned.
In October, that original intention I set in January came full circle when I enrolled in Jess Lively’s Flow With Intention Online course (which I couldn’t recommend more, btw) and fully committed to this way of surrendering to the flow of the present moment – to getting into alignment and connecting with my intuition and letting that be my highest priority. I finally fully let go of the thought that I needed to have some kind of output. I’m now in a space where I’m ready to take inspired action because it’s bursting out of me or just flows so naturally that it feels effortless, instead of taking action because I feel like I “should,” because of a lack mentality, or because I feel my worth is proportional to my productivity.
I’m done with infusing stress where it doesn’t need to be and I’m fully committed to living life from my intuition and from feeling good. I know this isn’t necessarily what we’re taught, and it’s something I certainly haven’t mastered, but the old way of hustle and struggle and busyness for the ego’s sake doesn’t work for me anymore – it wasn’t making me happy or bringing me any kind of joy. It just felt like a burden.
My top priority now is getting happy and then seeing what flows from there.
That’s the whole point of life anyway, right? Everything we do, in some form or another, is undertaken by us with the thought it will make us a little happier, a little closer to joy.
I want to feel light. I want to feel ease. I want to feel joy. I want to feel clarity. I want to feel okay in the unknown. And for the past month, I’ve felt more of those emotions more consistently than I have in a long time. I still have hard days and negative emotions, but my mental patterns, my thoughts, and my emotional experience on a daily basis have drastically improved.
Writing this, I can already sense people rolling their eyes like it must be nice. But I fully believe we all have the ability to live however we want. We all create our own reality. And regardless of our external “reality”, it’s all about our mindset and the way we’re looking at things. Are we focused on everything that’s lacking or everything that we appreciate in this current moment? I was focused on everything that was lacking or needed to be improved more than I’d care to admit. Now, much more often, I walk around seeing everything that’s good, everything I’m thankful for, everything I find beautiful because I’m making feeling good and getting happy – aka getting into alignment – my highest priority.
I’m finally beginning to take full responsibility for my life and even though it can be scary and I’m still learning, it also feels really empowering. Everything in my life exists because I essentially put it there with the energy I inhabit. That can be exciting because I can look at all the good things and think Wow, I created that. It can be scary because I can look at the not-so-good things and think Shit, I created that too and didn’t mean to. It’s empowering to me because if I put it there, that means I can create anything I want to by consciously choosing my energy in the present moment and going forward. I get to co-create with the universe by choosing my energy! It isn’t always an easy task, especially because there’s so much to unlearn, but it’s an exciting journey to be on.
This is all an experiment and sharing it in all its imperfection with you guys feels fun and and new and exciting and not like a task I need to complete or check off.
I’m writing this because I want to.
I’m writing this because I want to share what happens as I learn this new way of living.
I’m writing this because my intuition is telling me to even though my ego is terrified that I have no idea where this is all going.
For awhile it told me to wait. And now it’s telling to me to start, to forgo the perfection I’ve always tried to attain, and to lean into the unknown. To not be afraid of making a fool of myself or failing along the way – whatever that even means.
Show up without regard to image or how others may perceive you…that’s what I’m hearing.
Something else that occurred to me looking back over my boatload of 14 posts this year is that so much has not been shared. That’s not to say that everything needs to be shared, but there’s so many things I would love to retroactively share with you guys that I wasn’t in a place to before. If you don’t follow on me on Instagram, you would have no idea what my little peanut girl looks like these days or what she’s up to. She’s 15 months now! I miss the days of documenting parts of lives because being able to look back on them is something I cherish so much. I’m not committing to a posting schedule or anything like that. What I am committing to is to following my excitement, my joy, my intuition and to sharing what I want, when I feel aligned. I’m choosing to trust that my highest alignment is what will best serve you and will also bring me the most joy.
One thing I’d like to note is that I am not saying there is any right way to live or that any way of living is wrong. I don’t think there is one way of living that works for everyone. We’re all different and we’re all complex. The point is: we get to choose! That’s the beauty of this human experience. I’ve entered into a season of life where the way I was approaching life and a lot of the old thought patterns, behaviors, and ways of being just aren’t serving me as they were once were. I’m excited to simply share where I’m at and the things I’m learning as I begin to play this whole game of life a little differently. If this resonates or you’re just excited to see what happens, then I invite you to hang around for awhile! If it all sounds like craziness, that’s cool too. I just hope whoever might need this will find it.
Let’s see how this goes!
Photos by Leslie Tresher. Highly recommend her if you’re local to Santa Cruz/Bay Area and want photos taken!
Talie’s outfit: Zara shirt & boots | Target leggings