I didn’t know what to expect of myself when it came to being a mom. I’ve always liked kids – I grew up with four younger siblings and countless cousins so kids and babies were familiar when I was young. As an adult, though, I was never the girl that was obsessed with babies. I enjoyed them for a short time and then was ready to pass them back off to their parents. When I was pregnant, there were times when I worried about what this meant for me as a mother.
I can confidently say that when you have your own, everything changes. Your world is turned upside down, but in the best way possible. Things are more inconvenient, sure. Everything is different. But the love. I can’t even tell you about the love. Even as someone who can be fairly selfish, I can tell you that every sacrifice, every pain I went through and will go through, everything this role will take from me and require of me, it’s all worth it.
Motherhood has made me love in a way I didn’t know I could. It takes my breath away. I find myself staring at my little girl in complete and total awe. The joy she sparks when she smiles at us or coos back when we talk to her is electrifying – nothing can match it. She’s miraculous. I’d do absolutely anything for her.
Something about having a child changes how you feel about love. Before her, my love for Seth and even my love for Bailey felt all consuming. I couldn’t fathom how I could love anything more. And then Talie came along.
It’s not that having her makes me love them less or even that I love her more. It’s just different. It’s a love that feels much, much bigger than myself – than any of us. There’s something about a child’s innocence and helplessness that makes the love you have for them so different than any other love you know. It brings out this instinctive desire to care for, nurture, and give everything to them. I can’t explain it. Words can’t do it justice.
Motherhood isn’t always pretty. It can be painful and scary and gruesome. But it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s made me love bigger and deeper than before. It’s brought out a patient, calm, and nurturing side I didn’t know I had. It’s made me absolutely terrified. It’s reminded me what’s important. It’s made me question everything. It’s fulfilled me in ways I never thought it would and didn’t know it could.
Talie girl, you’ve changed my life. Thank you for giving me this love and being my angel. You are the greatest gift.
I took these photos on the day she turned a month old. It’s crazy to look back now and see just how much she’s changed since then.
Also, the birth story is coming. I don’t why, but writing it has seemed like such a daunting task. Stay tuned!